Books that I could understand the Dove Outreach Centre wanting to burn

• My Side - David Beckham
• Hollyoaks: The Official Companion - Matthew Evans
• How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
• The Dream Whisperer: Unlock the Power of Your Dreams - Davina MacKail
• Robinson Crusoe - Daniel Defoe

List inspired by: We will burn hundreds of copies of the Koran, insists Florida Church

Fictional detectives that are plainly homosexual but not out of the closet

• Poirot
• Jessica Fletcher
• Sherlock Holmes
• Tintin
• Ironside

Books that I have given up reading because they are too long and dull as improved Twitter friendly versions

Source: RSC launches Romeo and Juliet on Twitter

• Moby Dick (Herman Melville) - I met Queequeg, we went whaling on the Pequod with Ahab. We killed a few whales but Moby Dick kicked our arse. Boat sank. Only I survived.
• Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen) - A woman wanted to marry off her daughters. Really dull things happened during this process. Obviously Elizabeth and Darcy got married.
• The Hunchback of Notre Dame (Victor Hugo) - Several Parisians, including an ugly bloke, love a gypsy thief. Loads of people, including gypsy and ugly bloke, die. It isn't Disney.
• Great Expectations (Charles Dickens) – Scum Pip loves a bitch. Pip becomes posh. Years of implausible coincidences. Pip bumps into bitch, she’s not a bitch. They hold hands.
• A Brief History of Time (Stephen Hawking) – People used to be shit at understanding the Universe. Now we think we understand bits of it but not everything.

The Famous Five (in age order)

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Famous paintings I would like to see an old lady fall through

Source: Picasso painting ripped by New York woman's fall

• The Singing Butler - Jack Vettriano
• The Persistence of Memory - Salvador Dali
• The Hay Wain - John Constable
• The Laughing Cavalier - Frans Hals
• The Creation of Adam - Michaleangelo